I have been reading a few blog posts over the weeks about the coming September and the new task that some of us Mum’s have had to complete, the filling in of the school applications. Yes, little Noah will be starting school in September and some of these heart felt posts have confirmed that I am not the only one who has been feeling guilty. A mothers guilt.
What do I mean?
The guilt that I work full time and do not watch my babies grow up each day.
The guilt that I do not get to play game with them every day and play with their new toys and watch them smile and learn.
The guilt that I feel when I get to work and I think I wonder what they are doing today. I wonder if they are missing me.
The guilt I feel when I see and hear other Mum’s are out with their children, enjoying the day of snow or meeting up for those coffee mornings that I used to do when the little ones were babies.
The guilt I feel when I am eating my lunch and I am not eating my lunch with them.
The guilt I feel when I am sat at my desk and I think, why? Why am I not spending my day with my children? Questioning the very reasons why I am working full time. Questioning everything in regards to those prescious little people.
I think most of all, the guilt that I know I will feel in September is what is worrying me most. When Noah trots off to school. The emotion I know I will feel and the almost certain regret that I didn’t spend more time with him in his first years. I cannot change it, these are the decisions I made. These are the paths we chose. All I can do is make sure he is happy.
It does break my heart to think Noah will be going to school in September and I will not be able to enjoy his company every day, as he will be going to school. But I suppose I do not now, so what difference should it make? It is almost like a when I won’t be able to, will I want to more situation. It will be too late to change any working patterns and spend more time at home. But I have my reasons for working full time and that is to make their lives in the future better, a mortgage, our own home. Somewhere that we can call our own and make it just right. Sometimes I do wonder if it is worth all that I am going through. The long days, the travelling all over the place, the stress bouncing from work to home and to work again, the tiredness, the guilt and the missing my babies so much it hurts.
Don’t get me wrong, I know he hasn’t had a bad four years. He spends two days a week with his Nanny, who he loves very much, he learns and plays new things and see’s different members of the family and gets to scoot around the park and eat all Nanny’s yoghurts – his favourite thing on a Friday morning. That makes me feel happy, knowing that they are with family. People they love. Once a week he spends time with his Great Grandma, and either his Nanna or Mummy keeping a close eye on them from afar. But those two days a week that he goes to nursery and he has awfully long days, those are the days I feel especially guilty. At least that will not be the case in September. He will be coming home after school and having tea. I will spend more time with him then and Isla too of course. A new routine. A new life. And hopefully one I will not feel guilty of.
I suppose I just have to keep reminded myself of that, September isn’t something to feel guilty about, or look back and feel guilty. It’s a new chapter. A new routine. A chance to make it better and learn from what didn’t make us happy.
I still can’t believe he is going to school…