I have been reading a few blog posts over the weeks about the coming September and the new task that some of us Mum’s have had to complete, the filling in of the school applications. Yes, little Noah will be starting school in September and some of these heart felt posts have confirmed that I am not the only one who has been feeling guilty. A mothers guilt.
What do I mean?
The guilt that I work full time and do not watch my babies grow up each day.
The guilt that I do not get to play game with them every day and play with their new toys and watch them smile and learn.
The guilt that I feel when I get to work and I think I wonder what they are doing today. I wonder if they are missing me.
The guilt I feel when I see and hear other Mum’s are out with their children, enjoying the day of snow or meeting up for those coffee mornings that I used to do when the little ones were babies.
The guilt I feel when I am eating my lunch and I am not eating my lunch with them.
The guilt I feel when I am sat at my desk and I think, why? Why am I not spending my day with my children? Questioning the very reasons why I am working full time. Questioning everything in regards to those prescious little people.
I think most of all, the guilt that I know I will feel in September is what is worrying me most. When Noah trots off to school. The emotion I know I will feel and the almost certain regret that I didn’t spend more time with him in his first years. I cannot change it, these are the decisions I made. These are the paths we chose. All I can do is make sure he is happy.
It does break my heart to think Noah will be going to school in September and I will not be able to enjoy his company every day, as he will be going to school. But I suppose I do not now, so what difference should it make? It is almost like a when I won’t be able to, will I want to more situation. It will be too late to change any working patterns and spend more time at home. But I have my reasons for working full time and that is to make their lives in the future better, a mortgage, our own home. Somewhere that we can call our own and make it just right. Sometimes I do wonder if it is worth all that I am going through. The long days, the travelling all over the place, the stress bouncing from work to home and to work again, the tiredness, the guilt and the missing my babies so much it hurts.
Don’t get me wrong, I know he hasn’t had a bad four years. He spends two days a week with his Nanny, who he loves very much, he learns and plays new things and see’s different members of the family and gets to scoot around the park and eat all Nanny’s yoghurts – his favourite thing on a Friday morning. That makes me feel happy, knowing that they are with family. People they love. Once a week he spends time with his Great Grandma, and either his Nanna or Mummy keeping a close eye on them from afar. But those two days a week that he goes to nursery and he has awfully long days, those are the days I feel especially guilty. At least that will not be the case in September. He will be coming home after school and having tea. I will spend more time with him then and Isla too of course. A new routine. A new life. And hopefully one I will not feel guilty of.
I suppose I just have to keep reminded myself of that, September isn’t something to feel guilty about, or look back and feel guilty. It’s a new chapter. A new routine. A chance to make it better and learn from what didn’t make us happy.
I still can’t believe he is going to school…
Hi Sonia, Lovely to come over to your blog for the first time! Ahh the old guilt issue, isn’t it horrid! Why us mothers have this guilt complex I just don’t know. We give as much as we can and sounds like you do that for your kids. At the end of the day they are their own little people and have to learn to develop independence and once they taste this, they love it. So we’ve actually not got any reason to feel guilty at all! Lovely post. Tor xx
Thank you Tor and so lovely to meet you.
Yes you are right, I hadnt thought of it like that. 🙂 They do love their independence. Especially Isla. So thank you for reminding me about this.
Love your blog. Women drivers rule 😉 x
When my son started school last September I felt this feeling that you had. But it all went away when I saw how happy he is and how he is learning. You will be amaze of the development that you child will go through and I suggest you watch closely as its going to be fast =)
Goodness I hope I am making some sense. #pocolo
If you weren’t working, you’d probably feel guilty about not contributing to the family financially. I know I’ve felt that way. I’m about to start a job at a nursery (that my 2 year old will be attending), and I’m feeling guilty that the change might be hard on her. No matter what, guilt seems to be a given for moms. You just have to do the best with the time you have and remind yourself of how your choices benefit the family. (I’ll keep trying to do the same.)
I hear you! I listened to a talk from Davina McCall once and she made such a great point about this – that Mum’s feel guilt because they care and because it means they are a good mum. I think I agree with her. I love that first photo – beautiful. Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo 🙂 x
Both my parents worked and I am sure they felt like this too, but I didn’t suffer because of it. I grew up being a very happy and independent kid!
Don’t be too hard on yourself, it takes all types of Mums to make the world go round and working Mums are inspiring their kids to be strong, hard-working providers through example. GO YOU!
Great post and it will hit a nerve with many of us mums.
I work from home and still feel the guilt. I am constantly juggling work and a toddler and I worry that she has started using the phrase “give me a minute” ….. I can hear myself in her words.
I have another year until I have those school decisions, I just need to figure out how to shift the balance. Any suggestions??? 🙂
I think guilt is sadly inevitable for mums, if you work full time you worry about not seeing enough of your kids, if you stay at home there is the guilt of not contributing financially and if (like me) you work time time then there is the guilt that you aren’t doing anything, work or home, properly! We really can’t win can we!
Oh I hate mummy guilt. I do work, but from home and although I do get to eat lunch with them there is no less guilt. Whatever we feel we don’t get right we feel guilty about. And now that my 10 year old thinks I don’t work and therefore mums don’t work, I feel the guilt that I don’t go out to work. Arrgh! We can’t win. I think as long as we make the most of the time we have with them then we should congratulate ourselves on a job well done x x x x
I generally think as a parent you feel guilty whatever. I can completely understand what you are saying in this post lovely and I have no doubt that I would feel the same. I can imagine working full time does make you feel guilty when it absolutely SHOULDN’T- you are contributing to your family, you are providing your children with a great work ethic and you are showing them so many good things. I work part time but because it’s freelance I always feel SO guilty that I am never fully switched off- I go on my computer sometimes when I shouldn’t etc. I think we are just programmed to feel guilty- when we shouldn’t, whatever our situation is. Sending you lots of hugs. xx